while the baby is supposedly napping, but I am sitting here staring at my sweet said baby who’s standing next to me gnawing on another item he found on the floor. It’s editable, I’m sure, so I am not too worried. It’s not like it’s a poop pellet or anything. That was last week.

The rain is falling. It has been for two days now. It’s not supposed to stop till next Wednesday. That’s a long time from now. I’m flying solo too, so that’s fun.

I was supposed to get a full-night’s sleep last night considering the baby slept from 7-6 dosed up on Benedryl and Motrin. He’s got the runny nose and the issue of not napping long enough, so that warrants medicine in our neck of the woods. And as a pediatrician I saw not long ago said, “oh, honey. Give yourself a break and give that baby benedryl.” I agreed on this occasion and off he went to slumberland.

Hola did not get that memo. I give him Singular in the Winter, especially when a cold is coming on. It keeps the junk out of the lungs and the onset of inhalers and steroids and such. I didn’t give him his last night, since I forget “all things important” till after-the-fact and I went to bed, like normal, at a decent hour.

12:30am came around. There was whining, crying coming from his room. I went in there with a blaze of glory not to wake the other children, THE BABY. He said he couldn’t stop coughing. A dose of Delsym and a singular pill later, (And no, I do NOT medicate my kids often, just when truly necessary.) we were off to the races.

Until 3:15am.

I think this time it was the coughing thing again?

Or was it that he couldn’t SMELL and he was beside himself for that fact.

20 solid minutes after I went back to bed, the excuse and the cries were about his cheek hurting. And the kiss I had given him 20 minutes before even hurt.

20 minutes later it was the cheek again.

There was yelling through my teeth, there were threats of not going to school or getting to be there for picture day if he didn’t go to sleep right then. There were Fbombs used. YES, I swore at my kid. It felt good. Then, it didn’t. Then I was the worst person that ever lived on the face of this earth.

Then, I gave him some Motrin and he didn’t wake again till 8am, which NEVER happens.

I get anxious sometimes. I carry it with me. It’s like a trip wire that comes close enough to make me fall here and there. It happens when I am alone. It happens when I have too much on my mind and nowhere to put it.

These kids, man. They aren’t easy.

I do know a good portion of my time, of our time together, I hit this gig spot on. Even this morning, Rt told me I was the best mommy in the world. Little did he know, I felt like the worst of the worst. It’s a day to day thing and I’m holding on with two hands, but boy can I make it worse in a split second.

Please tell me you have times like these? Not necessarily the fbombs, of course, but the rest of it.

I am supposed to shape these boys into someone worth knowing by the age of 18, but I can’t get out of the “Get through the day” stuff to actively parent these kids.

The rain is not helping and the aroma coming from that diaper isn’t either.

e