Sitting at my mom’s meeting this morning, listening to each gal share their highs and lows from the past week, I thought to myself, well, clearly we all know by now what my low is, but what exactly am I going to share that I haven’t already shared in previous days, weeks? I mean, this ordeal has seemingly gone on for what seems like, forever.
When it came to my turn, I couldn’t find the words. And then I began to tear up, truly not knowing where the sadness was coming from. Of course, I knew the reason for my tears, but what was the trigger? Have I gotten all of this wrong? Have I convinced everyone, including myself, that I am OK? Am I truly ok?
It would be just fine if I wasn’t, in fact, I’m not supposed to be, but at that moment I just.didn’t.know.
I don’t know how to be right now. I don’t know what to do right now.
Now what exactly?
It’s interesting thinking about grief. There is so much outpouring of concern and thoughts and prayers. (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.) You truly feel the love coming from all sides. Once the ordeal is over, or procedure in my case, the healing does begin, or should, rather.
But this is the part where you do it alone. Everyone, as they should be, has moved on, and you are left with the same problem you had when everyone was still here. It’s how grief works.
How do I heal?
It has to come from within. The cupcake left on my doorstep won’t cure me. (Even though it was the BEST TASTING CUPCAKE EVER and was such a special treat.) The vanilla Diet Coke that was brought over to me won’t make the sadness go away. (BUT, it was such a surprise that had a personal touch.) The blooming plant that was delivered won’t bring that life back (but it can be planted and made as a tribute to the life that never was.)
Physically, I am fine. I’m recovering slowly. (That damn anesthesia can linger like a Mother!) Mentally? The jury is still out. As the weeks go by, this new sense of normal will feel just that, normal and soon enough, plans for the future will begin again. Until then, I’ve got two little dudes who need all the love and attention I can spare.
I’d say that’s enough to keep me quite busy.
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