As I’ve told many people, he’s my busy one. That doesn’t apply much to him anymore. I think as a small tot, he was REALLY BUSY, but now that he is FIVE, he’s more creative, imaginative and an inquisitive little boy. He’s still very tactile and can remind me of a bull in a china shop, but luckily for him, his younger brother is taking over the busy beaver crown.

He can play by himself for hours, although he’d rather play with his older brother. He and Ryan have this thing that I don’t see often. Hunter has the WANT and Ryan has the patience (for the most part.) They spent over an hour outside yesterday swinging each other on a tree swing in their underwear. They have their very own club and speak their own language.

He enjoys playing with Sam too, but he likes to get in his way, pester him a little bit, which makes said tot scream louder than anything ever heard. Real enjoyable! I think he probably believes it’s his turn to rouse the younger sibling. Rite of passage, you know? He does love his little SAUM. For some reason, he says Sam, SAUM. I see the hugs and the kisses given even if they aren’t well-received. He still persists to show his love.

He’s a sweet boy. He offers anyone who comes over a diet coke, water or beer. He sets plates and napkins out hours before a meal. He tries SO HARD at what he does and wears his heart on his sleeve all at the same time. He’s sensitive, like me. That’s going to be the one difficulty raising him. Seeing so much of myself in him, knowing what he needs, but being too close to his emotion will make it hard to be his yang to his ying.

He does try so hard. You should see him play baseball. He’s got the stance, he practices what he should look like at the plate and hits the home base over and over with the bat like some of the professionals do. He’s a mimic and it’s served him well. I’ll be interested to see down the line how he does in sports. He’s still a dreamer, but has this talent that could really be something. Until then, I will enjoy watching him run from 2nd to 3rd base with a huge smile on his face with his eyes closed.

I tell ya. He’s a hoot. He’s been a really good student as well. I was surprised at how well behaved he is in class. Now, he’s nowhere near perfect, not that he should be, but since he was a busy one entering preschool, I wasn’t sure how that would translate into the structure of class. He sees other kids get in trouble and shys away from what got them there in the first place. He’s no saint, but he’s more in the lines than out of them. Whatever it is, I’ll take it! We’ll see how he fairs in full-day Kindergarten in August. GAH.

I am starting to see what it’s like for him to be the middle kid. It’s hard to remember what it was like having him be Sam’s age. I was busy having a miscarriage and acupuncture and getting pregnant again. I know I just need to get my video tapes transferred to dvd (I have a groupon!) and spend an afternoon going back over that time period. It was special and I’m sad I feel a little foggy on the matter. Now, I’m feeling all the FEELINGSSSS.

****

We’re headed to Disneyland here soon and I can’t WAIT for this little boy to experience it truly for the first time. He was two the last time we went, so he has no obviously memories of our trip. We’re leaving the littlest one behind, so we’ll have a few days to just focus on Ryan and Hunter. We haven’t been able to do that since Sam was born. We need it. They need it. I’m happy we can do that for them. Plus, I can’t wait to ride Space Mountain again too!

Oh, Hunter. You make me a better mom just looking into your sweet face. You may be the one that mostly looks like your father, but you’re all me inside. May I keep that special kinship close to my heart and put it to go use to raise you the way you need to be raised. You’ll be an exemplary man, a passionate husband and a caring father. (Oh, the tears!) You do need a little more, like I did. You’ll need to know how special you are and how much we love having you in our lives. Our love, it’s unconditional. It always will be.

You are good enough.

And all I need.

(Thank you for bringing tears to my eyes while sitting in the waiting room at the car dealership.)

I’m so proud of you, my little Hunty. Here’s to FIVE!

e

Knowing that our journey into parenthood began with our little boy was such a blessing. I spent most of that first year trying to figure myself out. How on earth was this gig not natural? Why isn’t this coming easy for me? Oh ya, I had never babysat alone a day in my life, including changing a diaper. WHAT WAS I THINKING? How was this to be easy?

Such a naive gal I was. Luckily, I think we both made it out ok and have been chugging along ever since. I will always strive for better, but I’m thankful to know I always get a chance at a re-do. As I said, “good enough” is good enough. (And if I can just be ok with that 100% of the time, I’d be a lot more relaxed.)

Ryan was my sickest infant, which only means he was the one that got the ear infections and had to have tubes put in before he was 2. Man, were those things sleep suckers. No WONDER IT WAS HARD. He couldn’t actually sleep if he was in pain half the time! 5 infections, with 3 of them being doubles, took a toll on all of us. Those things never cleared up. Thankfully, he’s never had one since his tubes and has been quite a healthy kid since.

The natural confidence he exudes is amazing. His laid back attitude along with the “I can do all things” swagger has helped him in so many ways. Switching schools this last year, I’m sure, wasn’t easy, but he took his time and made friends the way he needed to make them. (I, of course, was fretting at every school pickup hoping he wasn’t eating his lunch alone again.)

He still shows his vulnerability. He is only 8. I took him to school late this morning after his well-visit and he had to enter his classroom alone with everyone in their seats. He came back and found me on campus after I had taken Hunter to his room and was all disheveled and nervous. I gave him a big pep talk and hid behind the door as he went inside. (HE STILL NEEDS MEEEEEE.)

He’s willing and enjoys playing most sports. He’s nowhere near the tallest kid, but his determination and his blasé attitude has served him well. He still likes to do a dance he just learned in the outfield sometimes, but his heart is pure. Being a natural performer, he tends to be dramatic, but it has led him to some great opportunities like school plays, so I’m assuming it will only help him in his journey. Plus, seeing him reenact a scene from Wipeout, his favorite show of all time, is quite hilarious.

He’s a big brother through and through. I don’t know how many kids his age have the patience for a sibling 3 years younger. His best friend is his brother and he’ll tell anyone who asks. They play and play and bicker and fight and play and play some more. Kids his age have already had play dates for a few years, but we’ve never really needed anyone else here. They’ve got each other. (Of course, that can and will change tomorrow, so I’ll take that they just need each other, for now.)

He’s a smart cookie. He looks to be one of the smartest kids in his class. He tends to rush his work so he can go off and read, but I’m just glad he enjoys reading so much. I’ll take a little rushing. We’ve been reading Charlotte’s Web at night together. His class is reading it at school, but he still puts his head on my shoulder and intently follows along. It’s something I know I am going to miss sooner than later. WAAAAAH.

Eight. What do I think of eight? Eight is good. It comes with some exploratory attitude. It’s as if his mind is saying, “let’s try this on for size.” Once he gets some negative feedback on his commentary, he tends to change his tune.

He’s getting to not need the extra doting I’ve been giving him especially when we’re around some other kids. The “I’ve got this” wave off is a sign of the future. I hate that sign, but after experiences like today, I am going to keep offering my help no matter the reaction. I know he needs it whether he knows it or not.

He’s a gem. And he’s ours. I’m proud, I’m tickled, I’m honored to be his mom.

I’m glad he’s first.

e

It reminds me of how often I tell myself I am doing “good enough.” I have high hopes of doing all of the things on my imaginary checklist, but some things just go by the wayside. They have to. Besides the times when J is home, I run this ship by myself. None of my family live in the state and J’s parents are nearby, but aren’t able to stop by to help with the kids on a weekly basis.

If I want to get something done, I have to do it myself. Well, I could wait for J’s help on the weekends or at night, but I’m too impatient. I sometimes miss the slower days of hanging out at home, watching some child crawl across the floor while the other one attends school for a few hours a week. Not anymore! We are moving and a shaking around here. (I secretly love it,) but find myself spent when the day is done. People ask me if I am excited for this or that going on sometime next week, but I have no clue about next week. I work week to week and sometimes just day to day.

Sometimes my tunnel vision gets me into trouble. I spent all day yesterday putting the house away for the cleaners to come. (Doesn’t it blow to do 75% of the work only to pay someone else to make it look pretty? Where’s my cut?!) Once they had come and gone and we had returned, I began making myself some soup for dinner. I didn’t have an immersion blender, so I thought I’d pour the soup into a blender, then return it to the pot once I was finished. Only, I didn’t get out the blender…I got out the food processor, poured all of the soup and bits into it and watched 1/3 of my liquid seep out the sides and bottom at a decent rate. Not until I watched every inch of my clean counter top turn to a puddle of Thai brown stock did I realize what I had done. HELLOOOOOO. Talk about distracted. Thinking about the next thing can bite you in the ass.

Ok, off to write that post about the boys…

e

I redid our bathroom.

Which basically means I painted the cabinets, drawers and the walls. I replaced our towels, bath mat and “splurged” on fancy hand towels. I purchased black hardware to use on the cabinets, but have yet to install them. wah wah.

We left the tile and all the other basic fixtures as is, for now. Actually, all the towel racks work perfectly with our darker wall paint, so they may stay up for the duration. The light fixture will be replaced at some point.

This bathroom is actually not our biggest worry, but it seemed doable to update this one out of the gates ourselves and save up to update the others down the road. (Soon, I hope!)

I spent money on primer, paint, spray paint, nails, brushes, hardware, shelf paper and towels. I purchased all the paints and accessories at Ace Hardware, the bath towels (Ralph Lauren) and bathmat (Tommy Hilfiger) at TJ Maxx, the yellow and white shelf paper at Home Goods and West Elm for the fancier Initial hand towels. I got the “not on there yet” cabinet hardware at Home Depot.

I originally had just a gray and yellow theme in mind, but when I was putting the bathroom back together, I had a few green accessories left over (ceramic water cup, vase, ceramic trash can and basket.) I decided instead of replacing all of them, the green was a perfect accent to my yellow and gray theme. I think it adds a nice balance.

It’s not the ideal/final makeover for this bathroom, but it sure makes it clean and cohesive. I’m quite pleased with my efforts and I definitely have more knowledge under my belt for my next effort!

e

2) So, I changed the radio station to hear Rush mention a study out of some university that found that people who accept same-sex marriage are more likely to watch porn than those who oppose. Then, he suggested that Obama, who had originally opposed same-sex marriage, must be a porn watcher due to his change of heart before the election. I just don’t know anymore…

3)Rt starts baseball this week! He is still doing basketball, so these next couple of weeks should be interesting. Plus, Hola is starting t-ball for the first time! If you need me, I’ll be the gal at the baseball fields running after Peppa for hours at a time. (I’m ecstatic for Hola to play. He’s been waiting for THREE years on the sidelines. Now, it’s finally his turn. Very cool. He asked me the other day if he got to wear a shirt with a number on his back and after I told him yes, he got the sweetest grin on his face. OVER A NUMBER.

4) Rt was cast as Peter Pan in the mini-musical his school is doing after school. It definitely pays off to be one of the few boys out for musical theatre! We purchased the original movie this past week when it came “out of the vault.” He was glued to the tv. I think it’s the first time I’ve seen it since I was a little kid.

Isn’t he the CUTEST?!? Tights, even!!

5) J and I are going to be painting our bathroom cabinets and walls this weekend. It’s time to start getting our hands dirty on updates to this house that don’t cost thousands of dollars. Trying to decide what color to paint the walls. The tile, that will remain for quite sometime, is a gray/baby blue. Anything that will compliment that? I was thinking of a cool sage.

6) We had my brother/sister-in-law over this weekend. Their youngest is the same age as Hola. All the kids had a great time pretending to be pirates at the park and ride bikes around the neighborhood. We don’t seem them as much as we’d like, being only under 2 hours away, but with 7 kids between the four of us, we’re all quite busy, especially on the weekends.

7) If you are ever driving up to North Lake Tahoe, you need to stop right after Auburn at a place called Ikeda’s. They have the most AMAZING pies and cobblers. (Their mango salsa is to die for too!) They do run you $20, but they are worth it. We had some type of berry cobbler and all of us we’re drooling after each bite.

8 ) Rt has been playing basketball since January. It’s his first time playing and J’s first time coaching, as well. They had lost their first 5 games, 4 by 2 points or less, until Saturday. They won their game by 5!!! To see all the kids jumping up and down hugging each other was so elating to see. Very proud of those kids.

I put the word in parentheses because I believe he would call it something different.

His choice of drink when I was younger was scotch on the rocks. He had a pretty crystal decanter that he would fill up from the plastic bottle he’d bring home in a brown paper bag.

My dad left our house when I was 19, a freshman in college.

Since then, my family has struggled to rebuild itself time and time again. Each one of us having our “moments” of defeat and triumphs, usually happening at different times. We’re all here making the best of a sad situation that took place years ago.

I can point fingers. I can call a spade a spade and say if this didn’t happen, then these other things wouldn’t be happening, but that would be foolish, pointless.

I remember my mother telling me when I was younger to not want to grow up so fast. Easier said than done, yes? I wish I would have listened to her, but my childhood and childish ways were taken from me the day he left for the airport. It really wasn’t up to me in the end.

I’ve been a parent longer than I have had children. Wishing and hoping, dreaming and worrying for my people. It is absolutely exhausting and frightening. You can say so much, but it’s not up to me to make the change. I can talk till I’m blue in the face and plead and beg to stop the inevitable, but it’s just wasted breath, or it has been up to this point.

All you can do is offer support and naive guidance and pray and pray that the phone never rings with news that there won’t be a tomorrow.

e

We got an email sent home from his teacher regarding the subject matter of the reader.

Subject: The President of the United States.

It seems there were some children in his second grade class who BOO’d when hearing they were going to have to read about him.

BOO’d!?!

They’re 7 and 8 year olds.

Yes, I know most political opinions of children this age do not come from them directly. They do not comprehend the policies of the President enough to make a truly educated opinion. It’s most likely the commentary of the parents at home that the children take in and form their “own” ideas. (This excludes the TVs, radios, of course, but someone had to allow those to be on while the children are around.)

My parents were Republican. It’s probably why I registered Republican at the age of 18. I voted for George Bush Sr. in the ’92 election mostly based on the fact that he was the Republican guy running.

I didn’t thing much about it, really. I was too wrapped up in myself and boys and senior year, etc. Yes, that may have been just me, but what was said in my house, which, honestly, wasn’t a whole lot politically, was NEVER negative.

I guess it didn’t have to be since Reagan was president for a good chunk of my upbringing. Then, Bush Sr., of course. Now, there was that Carter guy, but he was never BASHED in my house and definitely not BOO’d (in front of me) and I DEFINITELY was not going around forming a hated opinion on the guy.

What REALLY unsettled me about all of this is when I asked Rt what some of the kids were saying, he said this one girl told him she was going to cut out Obama’s head from the reader, pin it to her wall and stab his head with her push pins.

I’m sorry.

WHAT THE HELL?

Are we kidding here?

I’ve meet this girl. She doesn’t go around the school screaming of hate, but when it comes to her President, she “knows” enough about him to want to do harm to something that represents him and what he’s about.

I, just don’t know anymore.

I told Rt that whomever the President is, during our lifetime, whether we agree with his/her policies or not, we will NEVER disrespect them.

EVER.

e

They are as follows:

1) Purchased and hung plant hangers in both boys’ rooms. Peppa finally has his firetruck mobile back and the boys get to stare at their planets mobile we strung together months ago.

2) Purchased and changed out the highest filter in the house. That included a ladder and some threats to never climb it. (I also learned all sorts of good things about filters and changing from the Ace Hardware guy. Good stuff.)

3) Turned down the water heater outside to save a few dollars.

4) Re-assemble the train table in the garage (after realizing the movers did NOT lose the screws. It just doesn’t take screws! DUH.) Plus, fix one of the trundle drawers underneath to sell on Craigslist.

5) Post train table add on Craigslist.

6) Returned all library books on time and checked out a million more before Peppa became TOO LOUDLY HAPPY and we had to leave. In and out people. It’s how it works these days.

6) Made an over $100 quick purchase at Walmart for all things lunches to get us back in the swing of things.

7) Called Urologist, only to learn I needed a referral. Sent online message to Primary Care to get a referral and was notified in mere hours the referral was on the way. (I HATE calling the doc office. I can find plenty of other things to do than call. GOOD FOR ME.)

Called Heating guy to fix a duct under the house that is not correctly installed.

9) Washed and loaded dishwasher. Ran dishwasher. Washed two loads of laundry. (This is nothing new, but I had to add it!)

*****

I’m sure there are many more items on my imaginary list that need attention, like re-potting two plants that need more room to grow, but as I said, it’s imaginary, so, for now, my list is completely crossed off!

Isn’t it amazing that once the distractions and the people who need things more than you step away for a moment, you can finally see what’s been sitting right in front of you the whole time? I was sad to see the kids go to school this morning. I was getting used to the noise and the laziness, but I know they needed their own thing and clearly I needed mine. I got so much shit done. YEEHAW.

And yes, some/all of my accomplishments can be attributed to naps and Team Umi Zoomi.

e

But, that’s really all I had to share, that sounded worthy of sharing. Or so I originally thought.

I spent a lot of this year offline with my family. It seems three children take up a lot of time and energy and what time I had left, it’s wasn’t nosed in my computer screen. Hell, I’m sure I could make time for it, during school hours/nap time, but I find myself wanting to do other things. (decompressing, for one!)

I don’t feel like I’ve outgrown it here, it’s just what I have to say doesn’t come across as well as I want it to, or I’m writing for all the wrong reasons. Rereading a meme I wrote in 2007, after a year of blogging in the first place, I remember why I started this space in the first place. To write this shit down, so I’ll remember this time I’m living in. Otherwise, it’ll just jumble in to a handful of memories that will be difficult to separate down the line.

So, that’s what I am vowing to myself, a new year’s resolution, if you will. I plan to get back on here and write. Not at the expense of my family and the time spent with them, but to make better use of my time, if that is at all possible. Just thinking about it sounds difficult. We’re not here a lot. Not like we used to be. I guess that’s what happens as the kids get older. We’re not here in between preschool sessions playing amongst our toys until dinner time. (Man, I miss those days!) We’re running from here to there, practicing this and that, and buying things to feed this ever-growing herd, often.

What I can say is that I’m happy. Truly tickled. This house makes me smile from ear to ear every time I drive home to it. The people in it have more space to roam, more bike trails to ride, more family time to be had outdoors. It’s a dream come true. One that will take years to get just right, but excited for the challenge.

I feel like I’m rambling here. It’s been so long since I’ve said anything, I’m all over the map. At least it’s something, right?

e

I should be feeling THRILLED beyond belief it worked out this way for us. I truly should. We are very fortunate. I know this. But, our old house was one of the few last major ties to our “3 months ago” life. Besides still being on the same soccer and baseball teams this Fall, the house was what brought us to that life to begin with.

And now it’s not ours anymore. It’s someone else’s. It’s Hans’ house. Yes, his name is Hans and he will PUMP, you UP. He’s in law enforcement too, so don’t mess with him. He might, PUMP, you up.

It was nice having the house to slowly move away from. We had two garage sales there, a lemonade stand and many drive-bys and loading sessions over the past few months to keep us feeling connected.

Now, it’s not that easy anymore. The keys were left on the kitchen counter and the garage door opener handed over.

I’m afraid of losing what we had there. I can already see it happening. Some of it is inevitable. Hello, we don’t go to school down the street anymore! We aren’t attending the Fall Festival tomorrow since we already had one of our own a couple of weeks ago. It’s ok to have differences, but I’m really starting to feel it. It’s noticeable. And I hate it.

I think I have only ever moved away from some place by moving out of town. Besides moving from one apartment to another in LA when it was just J and me, I haven’t experienced the old and the new in the same “city.” Onward and upward and out-of-sight is all I know until now.

It’s so important for us to always keep our friendships we have made over the past few years. It’s important to us. But, then you have experiences right in front of you, or in the near future that pull you away more from those people. And that’s ok. It’s to be expected. I just don’t like it.

We went to a pumpkin farm today with Hola’s preschool class. Since his school is on the same campus as Rt’s elementary school, a lot of the parents have kids who are in Kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade. It was great to get to chat with people for more than a minute coming to and from the school. I got to know them a little better, plus got some inside track on how things work around here. It was refreshing, but it was new.

I’m just having a hard time enjoying the new and adjusting to letting go of the old. a little.

But, as I said. We sold our house. WE SOLD OUR HOUSE.

I can say, I feel a little lighter today and that’s not too bad.

e