So, my oldest made his way to kindergarten this week. It has truly been a whirlwind, I haven’t had a moment to process this occasion. Hubs has been out of town since Sunday and most of the new schedule has fallen upon me. Besides just being tired of parenting by myself, I think the week went better than expected. It’s the longest hubs has been gone over one period of time.

I think the reason for my “almost” even-keeled demeanor had to do with kindergarten itself. HELLO. One of my kids is gone EVERY morning for over 3 hours. Not just 3 days a week, not just for three hours total. 3 and ONE HALF hours and EVERY DAY. What a difference that makes.

I am quite proud of myself and all that I accomplished during this time. I still look around and see all the familiar things I made a dent in, but all the others that have been sitting in piles in random places are starting to see their demise. For instance, I have this cool tray that we usually have on our coffee table. Well, it has spent months, MONTHS, back in our bedroom, on the floor, while holding picture frames, random kid artwork and some other crap. It was assembled one morning while my house cleaner was here and put away, to be out of the way. And it remained there for way too long. You know how long it took me to go through that pile? Minutes. Items were thrown away, pictures were hung, and the tray was returned to its original home in the living room.

1 down, way more to go.

Besides hanging some photos, I adjusted some others. They weren’t positioned well on the wall and it was driving me nuts. I don’t have it JUST right, but it has inspired new ideas for the wall space. And that’s something.

Back to the kid going off to school. It’s pretty heavy when I think about it for just a moment. My first born is out of the house during school season for the remainder of his time in my house. Crazy.

When I picked Rt up at school today, Day 3, he handed me a certificate. It was an award he “won.” It said congratulations for writing his numbers from 1-100. Um, ok. I had no idea he knew how? I knew he could count to 100 forwards and backwards and even count to 100 by 10’s, but I had no idea he could write them. I was SO proud and totally thrilled by the look on his face when I read him what his teacher wrote.

It was priceless.

Sigh.

Clearly, I am all over the map with this school thing. It’s mind-blowing, heart-inflating and an opportunity for me to get my shit together for once and for all.

I’m excited for what’s to come.

e

So, where do I start? It’s been one hell of a week. Wait, it’s been two weeks that our life has been completely far removed from normal. Of course, the first half was the right kind, ideal. This last half? I’d rather be anywhere else.

A week ago Saturday, we headed to the Northern California beaches of Aptos. As I posted below with video, we had a glorious time. We went on a steam engine train ride, hit the Santa Cruz Boardwalk amusement park, played at the beach daily, and took much advantage of the heated pools and hot tubs on the resort property. Oh, and let’s not forget the golf carts that would take us ANYWHERE, well, on the property that is, including DOWN to the beach and back whenever we wanted to. We took advantage of this by roasting marshmallows for smores around a bonfire with friends and beers.

I don’t know if it was the convenience factor of where we stayed, but we really RELAXED and enjoyed each other because we weren’t schlepping around umbrellas, beach bags, kids, and sand toys up and down hills. The pools were warm, so no one complained about being cold when the fog rolled in. Our nights were filled with getting the kids to bed a little late than normal, sitting by the fire and reading (playing on the computer) and if any of you know me, I am a girl who loves her remote, so NOT being in front of the tv was a good escape for me. (and yes, choosing a computer isn’t too far removed, I KNOW….)

ANYWAY, let’s go back to, say, Thursday…..Ryan seemed run down. Hell, we had done SO much in such a short amount of time, his daily “down time” consisted of playing with his Leapster next to us in the den of our suite. His bedtimes were delayed due to getting his brother to fall asleep before we added another to the room. No day was typical, and that just might have been what brought on the rest of my story.

Friday morning: 4:45am. Ryan is standing next to the bed and says his head hurts. He said he hit it on something the night before. I knew he hadn’t and thought he had just been dreaming his pain was coming from some epic event. I pulled him into bed and noticed immediately his feet were on FIRE. I decided to get him back to sleep, but after he said he was thirsty, I got him some water and gave him some Motrin.

Fast-forward two hours. No sleep was had and his temperature was 101. Nothing major, but still a fever. What I was surprised about was his was SO HOT, but yet the temp didn’t agree. Anywho, the day went on, slowly and we medicated when needed. After he slept for THREE HOURS during quiet time, which is so far removed from anything he has done in the past 2 years, he started holding his head funny. He wouldn’t/couldn’t turn his head from side to side and said his head hurt badly again.

Not knowing what else to do besides medicate the fever, we decided on our way home Saturday to go to Urgent Care. They told us to go to the ER, since he was unable to rule out meningitis. At the ER, after blood work and a chest x-ray, he was diagnosed with pneumonia. An IV anti-biotic was given and we were sent home with another.

Next day, same issues with head and neck. Motrin was needed every 6 hours for the pain and the fever continued to come in around 100 degrees.

Monday, we were still concerned with the head and neck, so I made an appointment with the pediatrician. Well, not ours, since he was out of town, but another dude in the practice. I had been to him years ago when we first moved to town. He was fine, but all the mommies I had just met used another, so I switched. I know, TOTAL FOLLOWER.

After a stressful visit, no thanks to a certain 2 yr old who spent most of his time opening drawers “that were not his” as the doctor would say. For the love of God child, do as the man said, STOP OPENING THE DRAWERS. What came out of that appointment seemed even worse, let alone confusing.

He told us that Ryan had some bug, but also had Torticollis. (A wry neck.) Like in, he slept on it wrong, you suck for making your kid sleep on the floor the entire week of your vacation and now he has a stiff neck, AND he may have to do physical therapy if it doesn’t work itself out soon. And this is the queen bee of comments he made to me that day, “You know, I don’t mean to come off this way, but if I’m not worried about him, then there isn’t anything to worry about.” Basically, “I’m that good.”

You know what Dr. W.?, F U dude. You were wrong. SCARY wrong.

The next night, Tuesday, we spoke to our brother-in-law who is a family practice doctor out of state. He wasn’t happy that no one had ruled out meningitis yet, since we never did a lumbar puncture in the ER Saturday night. He INSISTED we wake Ryan up and head to the hospital. We didn’t want to be sorry. No, we didn’t. So we took him.

Well, hubs did. I stayed behind with Hunter and worried myself silly as to what could be happening. I got calls off and on that night updating me on what they thought of Ryan’s situation. The last call I made at midnight told me they thought it was an abscess and were going to give him a CT Scan to verify. The last call I received was from hubs at 1:30a.m. telling me, in fact, it WAS an abscess in his neck (which would actually be in his throat if we are being technical here.) And the real kicker to all of this was our hospital was not equipped with this type of PROCEDURE.

Do you hear me people? I heard PROCEDURE. And I also heard TRANSPORT via AMBULANCE.

Then, I was told to go back to bed to get some rest for the following day. (ya, OK.)

The following day, now Tuesday, I called hubs at 7a.m. to make sure THEY GOT THERE, and when the procedure was to take place. Of course, I woke hubs up since they did not get to the new hospital 20 miles away till 3 something and he didn’t fall asleep till 4:30am. Whoops.

Next call later, I was given the most crushing news. His procedure was SURGERY, going in through the throat to drain the puss ball and he would be in the hospital a total of TWO TO THREE DAYS. And to top it all off, Ryan was placed in the Pediatric INTENSIVE CARE unit to watch his vitals since the abscess was close enough to his airway and could hinder his breathing.

And this is where I lost it.

Too much. TOO MUUUUUCH. We were just on vacation as a family and now we’re here.

in a hospital.

for surgery.

on our boy.

I got my act together, called my mom for babysitting and headed down to the hospital soon after. Once I got there, we spent most of the day waiting for an OR. Our ENT said she would have done the surgery at 9am, but there was no place for us to go.

At 5:45p.m., there was.

29 minutes later the surgeon was telling us it went as well as it could. No tonsils were removed. 4cc of bacteria (goop) was removed and he should be.just.fine.

And so far today, he is.

We should be heading home sometime tomorrow as long as the anti-biotics continue to do their job.

e

(Did I mention the way he got his bout of bacteria lodged back in his throat? THROUGH HIS NOSE. How on EARTH do you prevent that. Clearly, you don’t. Word to the wise, the beach has bacteria. Don’t smell it.)

Rt said, “These are for you, mommy.”

Taken from the front yard hedge, my son gave me some flowers.

********

(I added the shot glass as it was the smallest “vase” I had.)

Rt giving me his version of Signing Times “Colors of the Rainbow.”

And Hola’s efforts at 1-10 from March.

Sitting at my mom’s meeting this morning, listening to each gal share their highs and lows from the past week, I thought to myself, well, clearly we all know by now what my low is, but what exactly am I going to share that I haven’t already shared in previous days, weeks? I mean, this ordeal has seemingly gone on for what seems like, forever.

When it came to my turn, I couldn’t find the words. And then I began to tear up, truly not knowing where the sadness was coming from. Of course, I knew the reason for my tears, but what was the trigger? Have I gotten all of this wrong? Have I convinced everyone, including myself, that I am OK? Am I truly ok?

It would be just fine if I wasn’t, in fact, I’m not supposed to be, but at that moment I just.didn’t.know.

I don’t know how to be right now. I don’t know what to do right now.

Now what exactly?

It’s interesting thinking about grief. There is so much outpouring of concern and thoughts and prayers. (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.) You truly feel the love coming from all sides. Once the ordeal is over, or procedure in my case, the healing does begin, or should, rather.

But this is the part where you do it alone. Everyone, as they should be, has moved on, and you are left with the same problem you had when everyone was still here. It’s how grief works.

How do I heal?

It has to come from within. The cupcake left on my doorstep won’t cure me. (Even though it was the BEST TASTING CUPCAKE EVER and was such a special treat.) The vanilla Diet Coke that was brought over to me won’t make the sadness go away. (BUT, it was such a surprise that had a personal touch.) The blooming plant that was delivered won’t bring that life back (but it can be planted and made as a tribute to the life that never was.)

Physically, I am fine. I’m recovering slowly. (That damn anesthesia can linger like a Mother!) Mentally? The jury is still out. As the weeks go by, this new sense of normal will feel just that, normal and soon enough, plans for the future will begin again. Until then, I’ve got two little dudes who need all the love and attention I can spare.

I’d say that’s enough to keep me quite busy.

e

Wonder what gets me through weeks like these? Check it.

I’m forever grateful.

e

I have no idea why the title of this song popped into my head on the way home from the doctor’s office, but if I think about it for a minute I realize this is just  how.it.goes.  There are ups and there are downs and there are some things that just aren’t meant to be.

And this is where we sit right now.

What was supposed to be, really never was. It made it all the way to six weeks before it grew no longer. I was told this was the plan from the very beginning. There is nothing we did or did not do to make this happen. It was the path it was made to take from way back when.

Those words were comforting to hear. There truly was nothing that could have been done. It was out of our hands the entire way. I can take solace in that. I can fall asleep on that assumption. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that my doctor believes we can have as many children as we want.

I told him we’d see him this summer, feeling more optimistic than not.

Then, I backtracked realizing I’d see him on Wednesday for prep, then Thursday for the procedure.

Crap.

At least there’s a Hot Tub Time Machine with my name on it and a big FAT ASS Corona waiting for me on the other side. Now that is reason to celebrate.

Simple pleasures. simple pleasures.

e

If anyone had been around me yesterday, they would have wondered where in the hell did Mel go and who was this person in her place? I mean, it was that bad.

First off, I didn’t have anywhere to be yesterday morning. That was the first problem. Usually on Tuesday mornings I go to the gym with a girlfriend of mine, but she was unable to go, so I decided to stay home in the morning and head out to the gym after nap time.

I didn’t give IN to the kids. I didn’t get down with them and just be. Those times, the times I don’t let my hair down, I fight the system the entire day. Of course I have things on my mind. Of course it’s ok to be distracted, irritated and irrational, but I don’t WANT to be. I want to have nothing to think about, to just go about my day like I did early last week, before the news, before the drama.

Hubs left for a short trip yesterday as well. That first day seems the most overwhelming. For the most part, flying solo with the kids isn’t that big of a deal. It’s pretty much the same job, minus some extra hands for a couple hours a day. I think it’s just the vulnerability of it all. Being the only one in charge. It can get to you sometimes. And with this added layer of “the unknown” I find myself trying to stay distracted.

I’m just not really present, I guess. Numb would be a good word. I think that is my way of coping. Not going there unless I have to. That’s why I have already gone to the dark side, assuming everything is wrong since it seemed so wrong last week. Can’t have hope in my current situation. Just can’t live in the “maybes.” It’s just torture.

I can hope for the future, set my sights on the future, what will be, can be. That brings me back to the present. That’s what allows me to get back on the floor and just BE.

Now, if I can just catapult myself to next week, all will be fine.

Um, ya.

e

Dear Hunter,

Despite our recent events, I wanted to make sure I gave you the proper shout out, now that you just turned 2.

You are an adoring spit-fire. I see you rarely without a grin on your face. You’re full of mischief, but somehow, someway, I have more patience for you. I think it might be that you are the second child. If you were my first, I would hesitate on having more children unless they were 14 years apart. I kid. You’re just so darn busy. I am told your personality is a spitting image of myself. I did everything before I was supposed to and it seems you are following along the same path. Maybe that’s it. I see myself in you and give you more room to roam.

You climb. You climb EVERYWHERE. Counter tops, dining room tables, bathtubs and tricycles. It was raining today. I can back from the back of the house and you had grabbed a chair, unlocked the sliding glass door and was rummaging around the backyard in one soaked sock.

You adore your brother. You ask for him often. You want him to play with you. You want him to be finished with quiet time once you awake from your nap. You love him and it’s obvious. Your brother told me yesterday that you are his best friend. You would be thrilled to know that. I can see a close-knit relationship with the two of you and I couldn’t be more pleased.

We wondered if you would ever say anything. You walked in your 9th month, so maybe you were just too busy moving to think twice about saying anything. Plus, your brother is such an articulate one. Why would you need to say anything when he says it for you? But now, you can count to 10. You can repeat the ABC’s. You ask to watch “Blues Clues” while mimicking jazz hands. Colors, you know your colors, somewhat. Hearing you say “yellow” is adorable. And when you get a time-out, hearing you say “sorerry” makes it hard for me not to snicker in your face.

You’re a natural. In everything you do. You can knock a ball off a tee better than some kids on your brother’s tee ball team. Your golf swing is as solid as they come. You drop kick a soccer ball without any instruction to do so. You can serve a tennis ball with a plastic putter and could probably clear the net if we got you out on the court. It’s in you. All your daddy and I have to do is sit back and watch, in awe, of course.

You’re a lover. A squirmy one, but a lover no less. I tell you I love you when I put you to bed and you tell me “I luv uuuuuu.” It melts me every time. I showed you how to “pretend snore” with your eyes closed last week  and you followed suite when I put you down for the night. It was a pure riot. Hilarious! You adore your daddy. He can do no wrong. He can shoot a mean basket and that’s all it takes for him to hang the sun and the moon. We got you a basketball goal for the backyard and every since, both you and your brother INSIST on going outside and shooting some hoop. It’s LOVELY.

While we were trying to conceive you, we had a miscarriage. If we had not gone through what we did, then you would have never been in our lives. Just thinking of that option, brings tears to my eyes. Because no matter how much you challenge me, remind me of myself, you are everything to me. And if I didn’t have you, I would be lost forever.

You are a true blessing from above and I am reminded of that daily. Thank you for keeping me on my toes and loving me every step of the way.

I love you,

Mommy.