The last time I was pulled over by the cops, I was a sophomore in high school. My mom and I were driving back to Oklahoma from spending a weekend in Dallas at one of my sporting events. We were a mere 1o miles from the border when a Texas highway cop pulled me over for doing 10 miles above the speed limit.

This was the only traffic violation on my record until Friday.

I got a ticket.

For holding a phone to my ear.

I was calling the dentist to tell them I wasn’t feeling well enough to come in for my appointment later that afternoon (when actually, we were going out of town and I forgot to reschedule sooner.)

Let’s all welcome Karma to the table!!

I know I am not supposed to talk with my phone to my ear. I know this. I deserved it. I truly did, but when the guy asked me if I was receiving a call or making one, I blurted out immediately, “MAKING ONE!!” then said out loud not long after “And that would be the worse of the two, now wouldn’t it?” (Hangs head in shame.)

DAMMIT.

I can’t even lie on the spot.

And I’m going to pay for it.

There was no dollar value on my ticket, except for court date information. I should be receiving something in the mail with the “pay out of your ass” feature, instead of going to court. Rumor has it, the ticket is $25, but after all the court fees and “you live in freaking CA, now pay us for it” fees, the total is somewhere in the $100-$200 range.

Go me.

Wasn’t I just talking about good news?

Come on already!

e

What happened?

Just yesterday, we were headed down to the beach for a week long vacation with the sun and surf. But, that was a month ago. And so much has transpired since then.

Should I list them?

Yes, I shall.

• Urgent Care visit (given tips on how to get into ER quickly.)
• ER Visit (Lame excuse for diagnosis.)
• Pediatrician’s office (never seeing that awful back up doc again.)
• ER Visit (Right diagnosis.)
• Ambulance Ride (Pricey!)
• Surgery (woah, nellie.)
• 3 days spent in the PICU (Nothing’s more surreal.)
• Rest, rest and some more rest (all of us needed it.)
• Follow-up Pediatrician visit (clean bill of health!!)
• Acupuncture (Ahh.)
• Swim lessons (Awe, the boy is back.)
  
• House cleaner comes (entire house must be thrown into closet.)
• Acupuncture (Ahh.)
• Swim lessons (Younger is making great strides.)
• Current day (phew.)
  

And then, to top it all off, I recently looked at our insurance bill (EOB). Definitely not something you should do if you are positioned around things that can shatter easily. It can be a big mess and make matters much worse.

Let’s see, where should I start….

How about the ambulance ride?

Out of pocket $500.

Hospital stay?

Not sure on our part yet, but the total bill sent to insurance rang in at $35,000. YES, you read correctly. An arm and a leg and a nut sack. (I’m guessing, we’ll owe $7000, unless more is discounted due to being in-network, but that looks like it could be the worst of it. *I hope.*)

Luckily, once we got home from the hospital, I paid all the rest of my medical bills from the D & C, (I was dragging my feet a bit) which rung in close to $1000.(surgery center, anesthesia, doctor himself)

DUDE.

Don’t you think we’re about due for some good news? I certainly do.

e

Sitting at my mom’s meeting this morning, listening to each gal share their highs and lows from the past week, I thought to myself, well, clearly we all know by now what my low is, but what exactly am I going to share that I haven’t already shared in previous days, weeks? I mean, this ordeal has seemingly gone on for what seems like, forever.

When it came to my turn, I couldn’t find the words. And then I began to tear up, truly not knowing where the sadness was coming from. Of course, I knew the reason for my tears, but what was the trigger? Have I gotten all of this wrong? Have I convinced everyone, including myself, that I am OK? Am I truly ok?

It would be just fine if I wasn’t, in fact, I’m not supposed to be, but at that moment I just.didn’t.know.

I don’t know how to be right now. I don’t know what to do right now.

Now what exactly?

It’s interesting thinking about grief. There is so much outpouring of concern and thoughts and prayers. (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.) You truly feel the love coming from all sides. Once the ordeal is over, or procedure in my case, the healing does begin, or should, rather.

But this is the part where you do it alone. Everyone, as they should be, has moved on, and you are left with the same problem you had when everyone was still here. It’s how grief works.

How do I heal?

It has to come from within. The cupcake left on my doorstep won’t cure me. (Even though it was the BEST TASTING CUPCAKE EVER and was such a special treat.) The vanilla Diet Coke that was brought over to me won’t make the sadness go away. (BUT, it was such a surprise that had a personal touch.) The blooming plant that was delivered won’t bring that life back (but it can be planted and made as a tribute to the life that never was.)

Physically, I am fine. I’m recovering slowly. (That damn anesthesia can linger like a Mother!) Mentally? The jury is still out. As the weeks go by, this new sense of normal will feel just that, normal and soon enough, plans for the future will begin again. Until then, I’ve got two little dudes who need all the love and attention I can spare.

I’d say that’s enough to keep me quite busy.

e

Dude, time flies when you’re knocked out for a small portion of the day. How is it past 3 already?

So, I’m home and doing well considering the day’s events. Overall, the entire process from beginning to end was “ideal.” The staff was so lovely and they ran the place like a well-oiled machine. I was given warm blankets, socks with traction and was even reclined back in a chair while waiting for the day to begin.

****

It wasn’t long before I woke up in Post-Op to the sight of dear hubs. I had been in another area before this, for a good 20 minutes, but I have no memory. All I do recall is the OR and the room with hubs in it. SO crazy how that is.

In fact, I think I felt quite refreshed when I came to. Clearly I had the best nap that ever was. Do you think they could have added a couple extra doses in my take-home bag? That would have been soooo cool….

Withing minutes of seeing hubs, I started feeling myself again and ready to drink and eat anything that was offered. Too bad it was only crackers and water, but STILL . Since I couldn’t eat or drink anything after midnight last night, a tall drink of aqua was quite appealing, plus the salt on those crackers? TO DIE FOR. (I did eat slice of pizza at 10p.m. last night. Thank God I did that. Otherwise, I would have been in bad shape before noon.)

I was given a scrip of hydrocodone and decided to pop one, then two this afternoon for good measure. Currently lying down in my bed and was told I can’t take care of my littles for 24 hours.

I think I can do just that.

e

1st appt is over and done with. Trying to take it easy at this point. No major boozing tonight, (DAMMIT) and I should stop my pack a day habit anyway, so today is as good a time as any….

Felt good about talks with doctor and feel better about tomorrow morning. Still scared of the entire process, but know I am in good, safe hands.

Here’s hoping to a quick and easy recovery, a healed heart and an eased mind in the days to come….

e

Whoever said they had nothing to write about when things were good, but had much to say when things were heading South, was spot on. I can’t seem to shut myself up over here.

Not that anything has changed since the last time I wrote. I still have to go into the office tomorrow and make my way to out-patient surgery on Thursday. The closer I get to these dates and times the stranger my thoughts become. I wonder more about this prep work I have to have done tomorrow. I even googled it this morning hoping for clearer answers.

And then, I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD away from those sites that provided too much and the wrong kind of information. *Fingers in ears* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

Clearly I will get everything answered when I see my doctor tomorrow, but since I can’t move on till I get passed this part, this part becomes bigger and bigger the closer it gets here. But in the same breath I feel somewhat numb and focused and can sail through this part rather *well*. Maybe I’m just all over the place and have no idea what I am feeling. And I am assuming this is all par for the course.

I haven’t been “put under” since the age of 19. Being knocked out isn’t my forte. (Not that everybody else LOVES it.) I am not good with losing control and have things happen to me when I have no concept of reality. So, this type of thing I’m trying to stay numb for. Not really thinking about the obvious, the inevitable.

I’ve had great people tell me their related experiences and it’s helped so so much. I have an amazing family that will be here for me when I need them this week. And I have adoring close friends who will help me out in a heartbeat if I need them. I’m surrounded by support and yet I feel quite lonely at the same time.

It’s the nature of the beast, I guess.

e

I have no idea why the title of this song popped into my head on the way home from the doctor’s office, but if I think about it for a minute I realize this is just  how.it.goes.  There are ups and there are downs and there are some things that just aren’t meant to be.

And this is where we sit right now.

What was supposed to be, really never was. It made it all the way to six weeks before it grew no longer. I was told this was the plan from the very beginning. There is nothing we did or did not do to make this happen. It was the path it was made to take from way back when.

Those words were comforting to hear. There truly was nothing that could have been done. It was out of our hands the entire way. I can take solace in that. I can fall asleep on that assumption. I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that my doctor believes we can have as many children as we want.

I told him we’d see him this summer, feeling more optimistic than not.

Then, I backtracked realizing I’d see him on Wednesday for prep, then Thursday for the procedure.

Crap.

At least there’s a Hot Tub Time Machine with my name on it and a big FAT ASS Corona waiting for me on the other side. Now that is reason to celebrate.

Simple pleasures. simple pleasures.

e

If anyone had been around me yesterday, they would have wondered where in the hell did Mel go and who was this person in her place? I mean, it was that bad.

First off, I didn’t have anywhere to be yesterday morning. That was the first problem. Usually on Tuesday mornings I go to the gym with a girlfriend of mine, but she was unable to go, so I decided to stay home in the morning and head out to the gym after nap time.

I didn’t give IN to the kids. I didn’t get down with them and just be. Those times, the times I don’t let my hair down, I fight the system the entire day. Of course I have things on my mind. Of course it’s ok to be distracted, irritated and irrational, but I don’t WANT to be. I want to have nothing to think about, to just go about my day like I did early last week, before the news, before the drama.

Hubs left for a short trip yesterday as well. That first day seems the most overwhelming. For the most part, flying solo with the kids isn’t that big of a deal. It’s pretty much the same job, minus some extra hands for a couple hours a day. I think it’s just the vulnerability of it all. Being the only one in charge. It can get to you sometimes. And with this added layer of “the unknown” I find myself trying to stay distracted.

I’m just not really present, I guess. Numb would be a good word. I think that is my way of coping. Not going there unless I have to. That’s why I have already gone to the dark side, assuming everything is wrong since it seemed so wrong last week. Can’t have hope in my current situation. Just can’t live in the “maybes.” It’s just torture.

I can hope for the future, set my sights on the future, what will be, can be. That brings me back to the present. That’s what allows me to get back on the floor and just BE.

Now, if I can just catapult myself to next week, all will be fine.

Um, ya.

e

“I don’t want anyone to know. I feel like I failed. I know it had nothing to do with me, but I’m ashamed. Nothing has even happened yet, but I feel so empty.

I told everyone. Well, everyone I could get my hands on. I wanted to celebrate what everyone else celebrates and not be consumed with worry for 8 long weeks. And this is what I get, everything blown back in my face. I want to scream, “WHY ME?” “AGAIN?!” I learned the first time, life is so precious, we don’t have control of most things, appreciate what you have. all of the above. believe me, I’ve learned.

It’s not like it’s been easy on others. We all, in some way or another, have had struggles, losses, hardships, but this was our time. Our time to grow our family. And now, we have another reminder of what we’ve lost. And it sucks. I’m sitting here waiting for the worst to happen, so I don’t have to go in and have it taken care of by someone else. This period of time, the waiting, is the worst. Dealing with something after it happened seemed much easier than wondering when something is going to happen. I’ve been there.”

This is what I wrote on Wednesday. The day we found out our baby-to-be is probably not.

While we have been enjoying celebrating the boys’ birthdays as of late, (can’t believe they are already TWO and FIVE) we are also dealing with some sad news. As of Wednesday, I went in for our first ultrasound at 8 weeks with our latest kiddo on the way. Everything seemed to be fine, but the u/s showed a slower heartbeat and a baby not the size of an 8 week gestation.

My doctor said we should wait and see what the next u/s shows us next Friday, (9 days later) maybe we are off on our dates, but I know all to well what our dates are and my blood work was spot on from my last draw in the 6th week. So, I am pretty much of the mindset this isn’t going to work out. We are very grateful knowing this now rather than much later down the road, but it doesn’t make us feel better about our current situation.

Currently, we are *hoping* (if you could ever hope for this) for nature to takes its course before next Friday. Otherwise, I’d have to go in for a D & C. I am not sure we can keep that from happening since nothing has happened to me thus far.

We’re going to be ok, and try again as soon as we can. Until then, we just have to wait, which, I believe, and can now tell you, is the hardest part.

It’s started. Buying a package protector for my boy who isn’t even FIVE yet. Sigh.

e